Hello Again...

wow its been awhile since i have written anything on here... well once again my computer broke and i sent it in to get fixed three months ago and still havent gotten it back...

since my last blog a lot has happened... i lost my job because i lipped off to the general manager... ya i know not the smartest move ever...lol... but i did cause he wasnt being very nice. so then i got a new job and had to quit because they couldnt give me the hours i needed and wanted me to work weekends which i cant do. then i had to take my son out of his daycare because it was just not working out for him and i didnt approve of how he was being treated... so now im unemployed have no daycare fpor my son and im broke as hell.... but im in one of the greatest moods ive ever been in...

last month for rememberence day we went out to wiinipeg once again and went to two school rememberance day ceremonies and on rememberance day we went to my cousins burial site and buried him and had a little rememberance day ceremonie.... it was hard going back and doing it all over again but it was like a closure for me. i will always remember my cousin and everything he did.. he was a great man and died for all of us.. he is my hero...

we were in winnipeg for a week and i was worried that going to all thiose ceremonies and the burial which was outside would upset my son and he wouldnt want to behave, but he was the perfect child through everything. at the first ceremonie which was at an elementary school he sat with all the other kids and did everything he was asked to do. at the next ceremonie which was at my cousins old high schoolhe sat there and didnt say anything and watched everything that was going on... and then the burial came... i was even more worried with this because it was outside and it was kinda cold that day... but as the ceramonie started my son stood there and played with the snow at his feet and he did that through out the entire thing... i was so amazed and so proud of him. everyone couldnt believe that he was so well behaved especially since they know how he is. he has a lot of energy and i mean a lot lol... so for him to be that well behaved is amazing...

now on to another subject... i have a new boyfriend... hes very sweet and ive known him for awhile we have lived in the same building for 1 year and 4 months... and we never told eachother that we liked one another until a few nights ago... so ya were dating and things are going good... even my son approves which is very rare... but its nice and im happy...

so ya i think thats all for today.... have a good one and bye for now...

P.S. i know that not many people know about this so i thought i would mention it... every friday is red friday, wear a red shirt every friday in support of our troops... many people dont beleive or understand why our troops are there but they are there for a reason and its a way of respecting them and honoring the men and women who have fallen in the line of duty. so please if you can remember wear a red shirt every friday... thanks...

carpe diem...

Funeral

this past weekend i attended my cousin funeral in Winnipeg. on Saturday my brother myself and my son drove to Winnipeg in record time. got to the hotel we were staying at and right away my mom and brother come out and of course i start to break down again. so we chatted f0or a bit and than as everyone else either went to bed or went to the bar i went to my room with my son. watched some TV and than fell asleep.

the next morning i woke up to the phone ringing, it was my mom saying that we were going for breakfast so she took my son and i went to have a shower. i made my way down to the restaurant where my family was all ready eating. my mom passed me her camera to see the photos of the highway of hero's in Toronto. there were so many people there to honor my cousin. but i had to leave the table cause i couldn't control myself.

later that day we all proceeded to the funeral home where we were to see Jim for the last time. it took my mom and i quite some time to make it to the casket. and the second i saw him i broke down and had to sit for awhile. after i was able to stand up again and move closer with a letter in my hand to lay in the casket all i could think was that i wish i could see him smile one more time. i ended up having to get my mom to put the letter in with him because i just couldn't do it. i looked back at him one more time before going to hug his mom step dad brother brothers g/f and his dad. i than hurried my way out of the building and collapsed outside and started to cry. my step dad followed me out and started to console me and as he did he started to cry as well. we both composed ourselves i had a smoke than myself my son my mom step dad 2 brothers and one brothers fiance left to go have a bite to eat. we later went back to the hotel my son and i went with some cousins to eat than went swimming and went to bed quite early.

at about 230 the next morning i was woken up by my brothers, and 2 cousins they were celebrating Jim's life by having a few drinks. well i wasn't to happy and kicked them out and they later came back to party some more. and i finally was able to get them out at about 330 or 400. and later bugged them all for some things they did and said.

so Monday was the day of the funeral. woke up a little later than hoped. thanks to my lovely family hahaha. went for breakfast and than went and got ready for the funeral.

the first thing was going to the funeral home to have the silver crosses presented to the people of Jim's choice. than we figured out who was going into the limos and who had cars to drive. there were police on motorcycles than police cars than the herse 3 limos and 3 cars that held family members and than people from the funeral home. we drove around the city a bit and saw many people saluting and having their hands over their hearts. it was beautiful to see so many people there honoring my cousin once again.

we than went to the church where we heard many story's about Jim. my mom had read something that i had written for him and i broke down to the point that my nose started to bleed. i sat in between my cousin and my son. my son was so well behaved and even rubbed my back and gave me hugs and kisses when he saw me cry.

after the funeral we drove around the city again and saw even more people standing there waiting to salute my cousin we ended the precession back at the funeral home and went to the legion to have a bite to eat and than we all left after hearing and telling many story's of Jim.

later a few of us cousins decided to have a few drinks for Jimbo James. at about 1 everyone left to go to the bar so it was me my cousin and my son chillin and talking. and just before i was about to go to bed at 230, guess who showed up again, hahaha but this time they brought one of Jim's friends who was the guy that had done CPR on Jim when he was hit and who is going back to Afghanistan this Saturday coming up. so we had a few drinks with him and finally fell asleep at around 4 am. the next day my son and i went to go have breakfast to let my brother sleep off his hangover a little more. we had so much fun just me and him. when we were done we got my brother said goodbye to my other brother and his fiance and started on our journey home. we finally arrived home at 5 and i am finaly relaxing now well kind of. I'm happy to be home because wherever i went in Winnipeg i could see Jim walking down the street or being in a store or something cause that's where he grew up and it hurt me to think that he would never walk in those places ever again.

i miss James so much and i will forever keep him alive in my heart. and i know wherever he is now and whoever hes with, hes giving them a run for their money. and ill always remember that smile and that twinkle in his eye.

GOODBYE JIM!!! RIP COUSIN.

Goodbye James A

Today i found out that my cousin died in afghanistan today. i dont really know what to do. cause i gotta stay strong for my son but at the same time i want to fall to the ground and break down. i read a story about ten minutes before getting the call, the story was of a man taking the flag to his fallen mans family. and i thought to myself thank god we havent had that happen to us, part way reading the story i got a sharp pain in my stomach, but didnt feel like i was gonna be sick, as i was trying to figure out why it was hurting i saw my moms name on my phone so i answered it as i usually do with a warm hello and there was silence i thought to myself that my mom must of accidentlly called me but i said hello again in a more "are you there" sort of tone. well it wasnt my mom it was her boyfriend it took him awhile to get the words out he studdard a bit than like a big wave hitting you he said. "Jim is Dead, he died today in afghanistan, your mother wanted to call but was unable to, he stepped on a land mine and lost too much blood on the way to get medical help" for some reason at first i thought it was a joke, than realized that this is no joking matter and started saying "no, no ian its not true, it cant be" i broke out into tears not knowing what to do, had no idea where to go, or what to say. i started walking around my apartment as if i was looking for something but couldnt find what i was looking for. i fell to the floor as my son wrapped his arms around me and kept repeating "whats wrong mommy? can i kiss it better? u ok mom?" i asked for my mom and my cries got worse. i later called my brothers one who found out from my dad as he yelled jimmy died??? and my other brother had just found out the same way i did, and now im packing my bags to go to winnepeg to be with my family and to say one last good bye to my dear cousin jim, a great man, a brave man, and a man with one of the biggest hearts.

relationships

relationships are one of the hardest things ever to get over. you put your heart and soul into that one person for however long and then one day its over. and if your lucky you may be able to stay friends. so far im lucky enough to keep one of my exes as a friend who is honestly one of my best friends. breakups are hard enough as it is but when you leaving some you care about and who is your best friend makes things so much harder and complicated.

to be honest its hard to think about it or write about it because there are so many thoughts going through my head and i dont know what to think about the whole situation. i will always love him and care for him and i wish we could stay together and have it be like it was in the beggining, but were just not good as a couple. i spent two years of my life waiting for him and within a year of dating its over.

usually im pretty cool with hangin out with him but every once in awhile i look at him and just miss him and os course i start to cry. its so tough but at the same time its nice to be able to still talk and have fun with him. and theres no more fighting cause theres nothing to fight about we do what we wanna do. but thats all i can write for tonight.

bye for now.

TOO MUCH WATER!!!

Alright so its been quite some time since i have posted something on here, which isn't all my fault since my computer decided to die on me and i just recently got a new one.


OK so I'm just gonna explain my day a little before i tell you about the water incident. my day has been soooooo long. had a horrible sleep heard a baby crying on TV and woke up in the middle of the night thinking it was my son which it really wasn't and then was unable to get back to sleep and was up for a couple more hours. but even though i was so tired i was up at 5 and realized i had a bladder infection... once again...yay :(. so at 6:30 i woke up my son which always brightens up my morning, seeing his cute little tired face with his dopey half asleep smile, hes sooooo cute. so we got ready and everything was going great, my dad came and picked us up and took me to work before taking my son to daycare.

I walk up to the door to where i work and of course i forgot my badge first time ever and of course had to be today... so i walk to the other set of doors and waited for someone to let me in. work wasn't so bad, there was a couple times where i thought i wasn't gonna be able to stay awake anymore but i made it through all 8 hours. YAY FOR ME!!!! :D

Now The Water!!!
When i arrived home after work with my son i heard something that sounded like water running so i figured that my son had gone into the bathroom and turned the tap on so i go to run into the bathroom and just before i turn on the light i notice that I'm stepping into allot of water so i turn on the light and what do wondering eyes notice...... well my toilette is pouring water out of it and not just a little bit i mean its pouring like a mother f-ing waterfall. so after running around swearing for a minute i decide how to take care of this situation. i thought of grabbing towels but then realized that towels would not help at all, so i made a couple calls... my dad showed up to help... and finally the handy man of my apartment building showed up and got the water to stop pouring out...YAAYYYYYY!!!!!! p.s. by this time it had made it to the closet in the hallway and just about to enter the two bedrooms. man that was a lot of toilette water. so everything is fine now, the water was vacuumed up and fans put up to dry it... OK so Mr handy man only put up one fan that wouldn't even dry a drop of rain but hey at least I'm not up to my ankles in toilette water.

So that's my story for the day. have a good one.
bye for now.

Complaining

hey again... so the past few weeks have been so stressful. grrrrr... my boyfriend, my son and i live in an apartment or as we like to call it a closet. and because its so small the tension is rising. none of us have oiur own space and its driving us crazy. also i failed my first semester and i know alot of people do but its hitting me really hard. i try so hard and still fail i wish for once something would go my way. also my son and i are sick which has made this weekend extremely long, friday was the worst cause i had just become sick and my son ended up getting a rank fever and was hacking like crazy and i was so scared i didnt know what to do. and usually when your sick all you want to do is sleep, well my son had been up from 3:30 in the morning till 12:00 in the moring :( which of course stressed me out even more and drained more energy from my body. and i know it could be worse but im just so tired of trying so hard and nothing really working out. but everything happend for a reason right. well i think im done for tonight.

bye for now.

WTF?!?!?!

OK so during the x-mas shopping season, i took my son to the mall to the mall where we were doing our own x-mas shopping. at one point he had gotten hungry so i took him to go and get food, and as were trying to get through the ridiculous crowd this older women come barging through, gets in between me and my son, and hip checks my son right into a pillar! now i understand that she probably didn't mean to but as if you need to be in such a hurry, and ya OK its crowded and its so hard getting through but everyone in the same position just relax and be patient. even yesterday a another women came between me and my son and hit him with her humongous old lady bag.

i just don't understand why this keeps happening.

what really upsets me is when i get dirty looks from people who are older than me just because I'm a young mom. i don't understand why they do, ya sure i had a kid when i was young but i have been told by nurses and doctors and many other people that i take better care of my son than some people who have planned them and are in their thirty's. the very first nurse that came over to my place after having my son said that she was very proud of me because he looks sooooooo healthy. that's right I'm 20 years old and yes i can raise a son. if you look back in the day women were having children younger than 18 so why is it so bad that i had my son at 18. if it wasn't for him, i wouldn't be where i am today.

well that's enough complaining for now.

bye for now

My Life So Far!

Well this is my very first blog, and i figured i would describe my life so far, ill try to make it as short as possible.

i was born into a family that was doomed from the beginning, ( I'm not saying that my family was crap just the marriage between my parents was because they married for all the wrong reasons) when i was four they finally got a divorce, and the typical thing happened my father moved out and my two brothers and i lived with my mom. we barely ever saw my father until we were old enough to take care of ourselves. and that's when one at a time we lived with him, and screwed up our lives a bit more. and no I'm not blaming my father for that.

after screwing up in school, and wasting my time getting drunk and high my dad sent me back to my moms place. to be honest i never got the attention from my mom that i wanted which made our relationship a little rough. so to make a long story short i got kicked out of my moms house, lived with a friend for a bit, and finally moved back in with my dad.

after screwing up a little bit more i finally started to get my life back on track. i had finally gotten a job, and a nice boyfriend, and i had some great friends. they were so great in fact that they tried their hardest to keep me away from one of the places that they partied at because they knew that if i were to go there i would end up dating one of the biggest losers ever. and they were right, one night they finally took me there and guess what i started dating that loser. figure that.

so once again i starting screwing my life up. i dropped out of school, started drinking more, and doing more and harder drugs. i lost all contact with my family except for my mom who was paying my rent while i tried looking for a job. i was never able to find one because every time one would call for an interview my now ex would not tell me about it. he sure loved to control me. for the next year i was abused in many ways from the same guy, i tried to leave him a couple times but for some reason i kept going back.

at the closing of our relationship i found out i was 3 months pregnant. 17 years old and pregnant, what i thought the smartest thing to do was to go back to the relationship that never should have happened. from there we went to Calgary to live with his crack head whore of a mother ( no word of a lie when i got there at six in the morning after a very long bus ride she sat down beside me and smoked crack and later went and prostituted herself) i felt bad that she figured that she had to do it more to help us i went out to try and find a job but no one would hire me and that's when she started waking me up at two in the morning yelling at me for the mess that she made.

finally my mom came to my rescue once again and bought me a plane ticket to Winnipeg to spend Christmas with her and my aunt. and after that i went back to my home city and lived with other aunt for a bit, but of course my ex followed me again and screwed things up for me. i got kicked out of my aunts place and had to live with this really christian family that tried making me believe everything that they believed. after a couple months of that i was finally able to move back in with my dad and brother. while i was living with them my mom came down for a couple weeks to be with me while i was in my last trimester of pregnancy, she did everything for me, such as decorating my room buying the things for the baby, etc. she stayed with me until a few days after i had my beautiful son. that summer i went to Vancouver with my son to visit my mom, and it was the one of the best times i had ever spent with my mom. we got along so well. ever since i had my son my mother and my relationship has gotten so much better.

because of my son i finally decided to go back to school at the age of 18. i finished high school at the age of 20 as valedictorian. and went on to university. so far it hasn't gone so well but I'm trying my hardest and I'm finally dating one of the most amazing men i have ever met. he helps out so much and cares for me and my son. his family is so amazing and have accepted my son and i right away. even though there's times that i just want to give up on everything i just look at it as a hump in the road i just need to figure out how to get over it.

well that's the end of my first blog. sorry its so long but i needed to get that out.

bye for now.