Life the past while

Well so much has been going on in my life I probably will forget a lot and write another post haha.

Anyways I have started a new job which is amazing!!!! I make so much more money and I have fun at work!!! Most of the people are amazing the only down fall is the heat and having to wear coveralls bleh it gets so damn hot in those things.

Other than work my son is growing up and will be starting kindergarten this year. my little boy is growing into a little man. I cant believe hes already starting school. It feels like just yesterday he was born. But he is so excited which is awesome!!!!

OH!!! I also moved into a really cute house!!!!! Still only renting but its soooooo much nicer than being in an aprtment and we have a backyard with a fire pit!!!!!

Life is lookin pretty good so far this year!!!! (Knock on wood)

Well that's all I have for now will be posting again sometime soon.

Bye for now :)

Birthday!!!

so ive realised that within the last year ive mainly written about my cousin, and i know its pretty depressing. so heres something much happier. today im throwing a birthday party for my son. his actual birthday isnt until the 26th but his kid party is today cause were doing a family thing on his actual birthday. i love throwing my son bday parties its so much fun and i love going all out for them and making sure that hes happy the entire day. its crazy though hows its already been four years. hes getting so big and hes so smart.we even bought a pinata for his birthday this year. yay time to start getting everything ready. i will write more after the party is done.

bye for now.

well the birthday was great. had a great time with all the kids and was asleep by 5 pm hahaha. my son had a great time and enjoyed all his presents especially his new skateboard. and the food was great and the cake was amazing. cant wait till next year.

almost a year...

Its almost been a year since my cousin was taken from us. its amazing how one year can go by so quickly. to me it still feels like i just dound out yesterday, the only difference is i dont cry as much anymore. my brother just got married and Jim was supposed to be the best man, well he still was even though he couldnt be there in person my brother walked down the aisle with Jim's picture in his hand and had it on a table by his side for the ceremonie. and i know that his spirit was there standing beside my brother.

ive had family members die before Jim, but i never really thought of what happens to them afterward. and now all i can think about is where Jim could be. i know wherever he is hes having a great time cause wherever he went he always made sure that he was enjoying life. i probably sound crazy but sometimes i get this strong feeling that hes right by me, its such an intense feeling as if hes giving me one of his big hugs. whenever i get that feeling i feel so safe and secure. i miss Jim so much, and its hard to actually talk to people about it, especially the people who have heard it over and over again. so i keep it bottled up inside as long as i can and then i spill everything on to here.

with Jim i could tell him anything and he wouldnt judge me and he would never tell anyone else. he was the most caring man i knew and im so upset with myself at the fact that i gave up a chance to spend more time with him. i had a chance to stay in Winnipeg and i gave it up, i could have seen him so much more but instead i went back to my home town just because im more used to it here then there. but i guess everything happens for a reason right.

my cousin meant the world to me. and i know that hes watching over all of us. and i know i will see him again some day.

I Love You Jim! R.I.P.

bye for now.

Hello Again...

wow its been awhile since i have written anything on here... well once again my computer broke and i sent it in to get fixed three months ago and still havent gotten it back...

since my last blog a lot has happened... i lost my job because i lipped off to the general manager... ya i know not the smartest move ever...lol... but i did cause he wasnt being very nice. so then i got a new job and had to quit because they couldnt give me the hours i needed and wanted me to work weekends which i cant do. then i had to take my son out of his daycare because it was just not working out for him and i didnt approve of how he was being treated... so now im unemployed have no daycare fpor my son and im broke as hell.... but im in one of the greatest moods ive ever been in...

last month for rememberence day we went out to wiinipeg once again and went to two school rememberance day ceremonies and on rememberance day we went to my cousins burial site and buried him and had a little rememberance day ceremonie.... it was hard going back and doing it all over again but it was like a closure for me. i will always remember my cousin and everything he did.. he was a great man and died for all of us.. he is my hero...

we were in winnipeg for a week and i was worried that going to all thiose ceremonies and the burial which was outside would upset my son and he wouldnt want to behave, but he was the perfect child through everything. at the first ceremonie which was at an elementary school he sat with all the other kids and did everything he was asked to do. at the next ceremonie which was at my cousins old high schoolhe sat there and didnt say anything and watched everything that was going on... and then the burial came... i was even more worried with this because it was outside and it was kinda cold that day... but as the ceramonie started my son stood there and played with the snow at his feet and he did that through out the entire thing... i was so amazed and so proud of him. everyone couldnt believe that he was so well behaved especially since they know how he is. he has a lot of energy and i mean a lot lol... so for him to be that well behaved is amazing...

now on to another subject... i have a new boyfriend... hes very sweet and ive known him for awhile we have lived in the same building for 1 year and 4 months... and we never told eachother that we liked one another until a few nights ago... so ya were dating and things are going good... even my son approves which is very rare... but its nice and im happy...

so ya i think thats all for today.... have a good one and bye for now...

P.S. i know that not many people know about this so i thought i would mention it... every friday is red friday, wear a red shirt every friday in support of our troops... many people dont beleive or understand why our troops are there but they are there for a reason and its a way of respecting them and honoring the men and women who have fallen in the line of duty. so please if you can remember wear a red shirt every friday... thanks...

carpe diem...

Funeral

this past weekend i attended my cousin funeral in Winnipeg. on Saturday my brother myself and my son drove to Winnipeg in record time. got to the hotel we were staying at and right away my mom and brother come out and of course i start to break down again. so we chatted f0or a bit and than as everyone else either went to bed or went to the bar i went to my room with my son. watched some TV and than fell asleep.

the next morning i woke up to the phone ringing, it was my mom saying that we were going for breakfast so she took my son and i went to have a shower. i made my way down to the restaurant where my family was all ready eating. my mom passed me her camera to see the photos of the highway of hero's in Toronto. there were so many people there to honor my cousin. but i had to leave the table cause i couldn't control myself.

later that day we all proceeded to the funeral home where we were to see Jim for the last time. it took my mom and i quite some time to make it to the casket. and the second i saw him i broke down and had to sit for awhile. after i was able to stand up again and move closer with a letter in my hand to lay in the casket all i could think was that i wish i could see him smile one more time. i ended up having to get my mom to put the letter in with him because i just couldn't do it. i looked back at him one more time before going to hug his mom step dad brother brothers g/f and his dad. i than hurried my way out of the building and collapsed outside and started to cry. my step dad followed me out and started to console me and as he did he started to cry as well. we both composed ourselves i had a smoke than myself my son my mom step dad 2 brothers and one brothers fiance left to go have a bite to eat. we later went back to the hotel my son and i went with some cousins to eat than went swimming and went to bed quite early.

at about 230 the next morning i was woken up by my brothers, and 2 cousins they were celebrating Jim's life by having a few drinks. well i wasn't to happy and kicked them out and they later came back to party some more. and i finally was able to get them out at about 330 or 400. and later bugged them all for some things they did and said.

so Monday was the day of the funeral. woke up a little later than hoped. thanks to my lovely family hahaha. went for breakfast and than went and got ready for the funeral.

the first thing was going to the funeral home to have the silver crosses presented to the people of Jim's choice. than we figured out who was going into the limos and who had cars to drive. there were police on motorcycles than police cars than the herse 3 limos and 3 cars that held family members and than people from the funeral home. we drove around the city a bit and saw many people saluting and having their hands over their hearts. it was beautiful to see so many people there honoring my cousin once again.

we than went to the church where we heard many story's about Jim. my mom had read something that i had written for him and i broke down to the point that my nose started to bleed. i sat in between my cousin and my son. my son was so well behaved and even rubbed my back and gave me hugs and kisses when he saw me cry.

after the funeral we drove around the city again and saw even more people standing there waiting to salute my cousin we ended the precession back at the funeral home and went to the legion to have a bite to eat and than we all left after hearing and telling many story's of Jim.

later a few of us cousins decided to have a few drinks for Jimbo James. at about 1 everyone left to go to the bar so it was me my cousin and my son chillin and talking. and just before i was about to go to bed at 230, guess who showed up again, hahaha but this time they brought one of Jim's friends who was the guy that had done CPR on Jim when he was hit and who is going back to Afghanistan this Saturday coming up. so we had a few drinks with him and finally fell asleep at around 4 am. the next day my son and i went to go have breakfast to let my brother sleep off his hangover a little more. we had so much fun just me and him. when we were done we got my brother said goodbye to my other brother and his fiance and started on our journey home. we finally arrived home at 5 and i am finaly relaxing now well kind of. I'm happy to be home because wherever i went in Winnipeg i could see Jim walking down the street or being in a store or something cause that's where he grew up and it hurt me to think that he would never walk in those places ever again.

i miss James so much and i will forever keep him alive in my heart. and i know wherever he is now and whoever hes with, hes giving them a run for their money. and ill always remember that smile and that twinkle in his eye.

GOODBYE JIM!!! RIP COUSIN.

Goodbye James A

Today i found out that my cousin died in afghanistan today. i dont really know what to do. cause i gotta stay strong for my son but at the same time i want to fall to the ground and break down. i read a story about ten minutes before getting the call, the story was of a man taking the flag to his fallen mans family. and i thought to myself thank god we havent had that happen to us, part way reading the story i got a sharp pain in my stomach, but didnt feel like i was gonna be sick, as i was trying to figure out why it was hurting i saw my moms name on my phone so i answered it as i usually do with a warm hello and there was silence i thought to myself that my mom must of accidentlly called me but i said hello again in a more "are you there" sort of tone. well it wasnt my mom it was her boyfriend it took him awhile to get the words out he studdard a bit than like a big wave hitting you he said. "Jim is Dead, he died today in afghanistan, your mother wanted to call but was unable to, he stepped on a land mine and lost too much blood on the way to get medical help" for some reason at first i thought it was a joke, than realized that this is no joking matter and started saying "no, no ian its not true, it cant be" i broke out into tears not knowing what to do, had no idea where to go, or what to say. i started walking around my apartment as if i was looking for something but couldnt find what i was looking for. i fell to the floor as my son wrapped his arms around me and kept repeating "whats wrong mommy? can i kiss it better? u ok mom?" i asked for my mom and my cries got worse. i later called my brothers one who found out from my dad as he yelled jimmy died??? and my other brother had just found out the same way i did, and now im packing my bags to go to winnepeg to be with my family and to say one last good bye to my dear cousin jim, a great man, a brave man, and a man with one of the biggest hearts.

relationships

relationships are one of the hardest things ever to get over. you put your heart and soul into that one person for however long and then one day its over. and if your lucky you may be able to stay friends. so far im lucky enough to keep one of my exes as a friend who is honestly one of my best friends. breakups are hard enough as it is but when you leaving some you care about and who is your best friend makes things so much harder and complicated.

to be honest its hard to think about it or write about it because there are so many thoughts going through my head and i dont know what to think about the whole situation. i will always love him and care for him and i wish we could stay together and have it be like it was in the beggining, but were just not good as a couple. i spent two years of my life waiting for him and within a year of dating its over.

usually im pretty cool with hangin out with him but every once in awhile i look at him and just miss him and os course i start to cry. its so tough but at the same time its nice to be able to still talk and have fun with him. and theres no more fighting cause theres nothing to fight about we do what we wanna do. but thats all i can write for tonight.

bye for now.